The Great White North Shark II

And Other Things I’ve learned As a Bachelor -Part 42

 

I caught a Lemon Shark once. I put it in my salt water pool and added a generous amount of tequila. It died.

Who knew?

Where’s a Nurse Shark when you need one.

•••

If you ever have to fight a shark don’t invite it to a cage match.

They cheat!

•••

A Tiger Shark has no sense of fashion.

•••

Hammerheads have been known to drink too much. …Fish!

•••

I know, undeniably, that sharks do not live in the Great Lakes.

That, however, does not prevent me from peeing myself every time a piece of seaweed

touches my leg.

•••

Just like two guys with the same name may not get along, neither will Bull Sharks and Bulldogs. “Sorry Angus! Who knew?!

 

Things Well Said: Mitch Teemly

Originally posted on Mitch Teemley: “Friends say to me a lot, ‘Monogamy is not natural.’ And I always, say, ‘Well, neither are toilets, but when you don’t use them, things get very messy.’” ~Andrew Gurland (creator of the TV series Married) My wife and I are known for having a strong marriage. And it’s true,…

via Monogamy Is Not Natural! — Mitch Teemley

Rise Up!

There is no Death. Although you may die.

Freedom is won.

But don’t take no lives.

Rise Up. Rise up!

This too shall pass.

And you shall inherit, “at last, at last!”

Too sting and fly,

And solidly stand,

Your’ women are prophets

Listen. Transcend.

EverLast.

 

 

 

The Great White North Shark

And Other Things I’ve learned As a Bachelor -Part 66

 

 

I pet a shark once. It smiled at me and swam away. I believe we are off to a good start!

•••

A fight with a Blue Shark can sometimes be averted if you simply ask, “How are you feeling?”

•••

Sharks do not mistake people for seals when they attack. They know who we are bio-chemically and electrically. They just don’t give a sh!t.

•••

Dolphins don’t attack sharks in the presence of humans to help us out. They attack sharks because sharks are d!cks!

 

Things I’ve Learned as a Bachelor -Lesson 14

Irons. They’re stupid. In a pinch, hang clothes on shower curtain bar. Turn shower on hot. Spend 10 minutes looking for tv remote -psst- it’s in the fridge. Go back to bathroom. Viola!  Clothes are near mint!

•••

Secret Ingredients for Bachelors: Mushroom soup makes everything taste better. Splash of pickle, minced olives lend an epicurean feel to chow. Also, butter.

•••

Invest in a good shower curtain. I have a ‘rapey’ one. Whenever I jump in it becomes all ‘touchy-feely’, all huggy. It’s gross.

•••

Invariably, if I have a big date, or a job interview, it is only after jumping out of the shower that I really have to poop.

 

Things I’ve Learned As A Bachelor -Lesson 23

On Soup

Tomato soup can save your life. Your life, not mine. I hate the stuff.

•••

I believe that tomato soup may have procreative abilities behind closed cupboard doors.

Whenever I go rummaging I always seem to have way more of them than before.

I have a sneaking suspicion that they are devouring my mushroom soup under cover of dark.

•••

Bachelor Advice: The product below is neither suitable for low fat diets, nor for anyone really.

Rating: 1 star for sustenance.

 

He Is one of the Greatest

Here’s to my hero

Cassius Ali.

Enough of this body!

Today  is now free.

Speed that transcended

Both butterfly and bee.

…

And now, for an encore

Ultimate synchronicity.

Where Word, spirit, mind and body mesh.

 

 

Meteorology is a Science!

And other things that take some s’plainin’!

 

 

So How’s Your Day Going?

True Stories, gleaned from a variety of sources….

 

 The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil

spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most

expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers

and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both

eaten by a killer whale.

 

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking

frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards

the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,she

whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his

arm in two places.

Until that moment, he was happily listening to his walkman.

 

 Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending

pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs (all two thousand of

them) escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two

hapless protesters to death.

And finally…….

 

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter

bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was

the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

 

So, how’s your day going?

Things I Am Thankful For…a -not so comprehensive- List

 

 

” I may not be where I want to be but I’m thankful for not being where I used to be.” -Habeeb Akande

As the year draws to close I am reminded of things that I am grateful for.

Feel free to add your own in the comments. I’d like that.

1. An ability to laugh; it get’s me through hard times, when just crying would leave me dry.
2. The most positive person I know is my Uncle Donny and he suffers through staggering MS.
3. My Mom and Dad are still kickin’ and really funny.
4. My sister is the complete opposite of me and thus we complement.
5. I have not been called a ‘dong’ or a ‘wang’ since approx. 1986
6. I have a daughter with no silly tattoos or piercings. I had to bribe her with copious amounts of cash, but it still counts.
7.  I live on the 9th floor of an apartment building on the backside, no early morning garbage trucks.
8. I live on the 9th floor of an apartment building with a balcony that overlooks a creek. I toss muskrats potatoes, and watch ducks, geese and squirrels thrive.
9. I live in an apartment building with mostly new immigrants. They exude an exuberance about just being here and are ever so polite.
10. I live in an apartment building with most newly immigrants. and they are scared to call the cops when my music or tv is too loud.
11. I have an Uncle who was a hermit, never learned to drive, and lived with his mom for 75 years and had little social graces. Now he lives on his own and is thriving and positive and living life grand at 79 years old, and he will talk your ear off.
12. I live in Canada.
13. My bedroom when I was a child was in the library.
14.  WordPress kinda kicks @ss.
15. I was 7 when Star Wars first came out. It changed my life. Rinse, repeat.
16. Pink Floyd, Zeppelin, RATM, etc
17. Rock Band gave my children and cousins the opportunity to sing loud, and learn why great music lasts, and celebrate it.
18. Faith.
19. No great yearning to conform.
20. I am markedly different from all others; I am unique; I am special, as you are too.